THAT DREADED ANNIVERSARY

It wasn’t as bad as I thought it might be. The anniversary of the weekend of Ben’s death. Sunday and Monday. The 3rd and 4th of this month.

On Sunday I spent the morning rearranging his ofrenda (altar). It has morphed for a year now, but this one is very special to me. This time I had 3 of my favorite photos printed and stretched on 8×10 canvas. One of him on Banderas Bay, one of him with Tumi, and one of the 2 of us in Tapalpa a few years ago. Happy pictures framed by black clay candelabras from an indigenous village by Lake Pátzcuaro, both stuffed with thick cream colored candles purchased at the church candle shop in Pátzcuaro proper. A carved coconut shell from our favorite market in Tlacalula, Oaxaca, sits atop the treasured box of remains. Printed photos of the 2 of us on different adventures lay pinned by small antique seashells from his childhood collection.

The rest of the day was spent doing whatever came up at the moment as YouTube stretched the Gillian Welch sequence into any artist with anywhere near the same sound for hours. I successfully switched his large iPad over to my ownership after an hour of research then settled in to watch his favorite TV show for the second or third time – BOSCH. He loved that show and the books they were based on. One of his stellar moments here in Ajijic was spotting Michael Connelly near a shop in the village (though that was never confirmed).

Monday morning Tumi and I met a few of the women who physically and spiritually sat vigil with us over the late afternoons of Ben’s last weekend. I have little memory of how or why they appeared but their presence was a gift of angels as far as I’m concerned. In memory of that we met on the malecón, walked and talked for 30 minutes or so then headed to the plaza where we met Loretta, friend and End Of Life doula, and her little pup Paco at my favorite outdoor restaurant run by my sweet friend Elena and her family. Ben loved this ritual every Sunday morning. I skipped it for a few weeks after his death and spent an hour in meditation at the local Buddhist center instead. But ultimately I decided the ritual and time with Tumi was what I wanted more. There are some routines that are shifting while others become more ingrained in this time of changing grief. The Sunday morning ritual is one of them. After several weeks of absence my first visit to Elena’s was a surprise to her. After I explained why Ben wasn’t with me she threw her arms around me, offering heartfelt words of comfort. She has done so ever since. This time, after I told her how these women sat vigil with me during Ben’s last hours, she made the rounds to hug each one…Vidette, Patty, Gayley, Kat, Loretta. And, gratefully, me as well. We pulled tables together and ate her simple, delicious food and drank her café de olla, all made with love. Then we scattered, going our own ways, knowing the time together in that place on that day had been a blessing.

That evening, July 3rd, another group gathered…Tom came with Chinese lanterns. Friends Judy and Robyn came, as well as Ernesto and Rodrigo – both friends from Ben’s art classes that, at his request, received a good portion of his art supplies. We gathered on the terrace for snacks until Ernesto asked for my attention. “ I wanted to give you something for all the supplies you gave me.” Waving his hand when I told him it wasn’t necessary, he said simply: “It is necessary for me”. In his hands he held a framed charcoal/pencil portrait of Ben sitting with Tumi, taken from a photo I’d posted on Facebook. Stunned, I burst into tears while offering a well deserved hug.

When darkness fell I led the way to the mirador where we would release 3 lanterns, one at a time. The gentle breeze was perfect for carrying the lanterns up and over the neighborhood and east toward Chapala. As the orange one disappeared into the night (where do they go anyway?), there was an unexpected and sudden gust of wind, surprising us all. With eyes wide we agreed…Ben’s here! And he liked it! Sweet.

Photos by Judy Miller

A week has passed now. Time goes by so quickly anymore. Ben is my ghostly counselor on a daily basis now. I think Tumi still expects to see him climb the stairs sometimes when he hears the neighbor’s car, thinking it’s ours. It’s been a tough year but I’ve moved from wobbly legs and fuzzy thinking, often curled up on the bed or the couch, to feeling stronger and more clear most days. I don’t know what’s in store for me now though I do have some travel plans. There is much to see in Mexico. Places Ben and I had hoped to go.

In September I will take some of Ben’s ashes to Mexico City as he requested. He wasn’t concerned about that at first when I asked him – God knows these are hard things to talk about yet so very important – but a couple of days later he gave clear voice to his wishes…”I want you to take my ashes to the Avenue of the Dead at the pyramids above Mexico City”, he told me. “I’ve always wanted to take you there and we never got to go. This way I’ll know you got there.” How sweet is that…

I know my days of grief are not over. The smallest thing can set me off, provoke tears. But there is great support, both here and in the US, and I am ever so grateful for that. Each day becomes an opportunity for growth and healing. Each day shows me more about who I am, on my own.

I dedicate this post to Ben, of course, who taught me so much, as well as to his family & to all those who knew & loved him. I know it is hard to read about or talk about death and grief. But it is a necessary conversation. One I hope you will engage in. Poco a poco…Blessings One & All.