Coming back from North Carolina to Mexico has been traumatic to say the least. Like falling. Slow mo. Into a state of grace. Of tenderness and vulnerability. Jet lag and raw emotion. Leaving family and friends behind when my body/mind has not completely settled into my new country.
Grace, a multidimensional term meaning, well, several things. Here’s the spiritual definition from Wikipedia: “the divine influence which operates in humans to regenerate and sanctify, to inspire virtuous impulses, and to impart strength to endure trial and resist temptation; and as an individual virtue or excellence of divine origin.” Wow. Loaded, huh? And my mind is loaded, full of emotions and plans and thoughts of all I’ve experienced, read, seen, felt over the past month. Or perhaps I should say the past 8 months. That’s how long we’ve been here now. The excitement worn a bit thin at times, yet so much left to experience. What I’ve realized is: 1) 2 big trips (Oaxaca & NC) in the same month is too much for me, 2) I need at least 3 days to recover after such intensity, and 3) I do miss the relative cleanliness and quiet of our old neighborhood. No point in denying it. But the biggest piece, the overriding essence of it all, keeps coming up as Family and Community. And for that I am willing to fall into grace.
My primary motivation for this trip? To see my granddaughter turn 6 months old before starting daycare. Her name is Hazel Grace, better known as “Hazie”. She is my pride, my joy; first child of my only child, my son Japhy. She has taken my heart and given it new meaning, just as she has for her parents. She is bright-eyed and curious and ever-searching for the next adventure. Toni says she’ll bring her to visit someday. I’m counting on it!
FRIDAY: After 5 days with my son and his family I headed to Durham on the train to visit with girlfriends for my 68th birthday. (Trains are thrilling to me. One of the things my mother introduced me to at the age of 2 when she took me to NJ to visit relatives.) Those four girlfriends picked me up, drove me wherever I needed/wanted to go, wined and dined me, and listened to my story for hours on end. I talked so much my throat was raw. High on it all. Soaring. Delighted. Grateful. It was all so familiar and comforting.
Birthday lunch @ Ixtapa
SATURDAY: Hillsborough continues to grow like crazy. Old shops turning into new. New restaurants. Construction. Demonstrations. It was good to say Hi to old friends and places. Good to know it was OK not to live there.
Our beloved Farmer’s Market friends. So happy to see these hardworking folks! Sorry not to buy anything this time. I shared our story of visiting a master candlemaker in Oaxaca with a young couple selling beeswax products. Sharing similarities and expanding community a little bit more.
Saturday evening with my dear friend and acupuncturist Robin. She gave me my first space and encouragement as a massage therapist in 2006. We’ve been friends ever since.
Sweet surprise! 
Dinner with Robin @ Local 21
SUNDAY: Craft market at the Durham Armory, tour of an old downtown bank, and lunch at Neomonde. I was immediately drawn to the colorful scarves waving like flags in the room full of local artisans. They turned out to be handwoven cotton from villages in India, supported by medical personnel at UNC-Chapel Hill. http://www.GumCha4Health.com. My friend Norma has taught me the value of supporting such causes.
MONDAY: After a relaxing dinner and evening with friends Onja and Bill, it was back to Charlotte on the train the next day. Thanks for the early morning ride to the station Onja!
One more day with my sweet Hazie. It was hard to relax knowing I’d be leaving soon, but I took advantage of every minute I could with the understanding help of her wonderful nanny Lauren.
Leaving Hazie was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. Mixed in with all the other emotions was the experience of reading Joanna Macy’s book ACTIVE HOPE during this trip. My son and I had touched on this topic of climate and societal transition before I arrived. I thought we might discuss it while I was there, but I couldn’t do it. There is such joy in their home, wrapped around this child and family, that I couldn’t throw the monkey wrench. The bottom line of the book is coming together as community during this time that the author calls “The Great Turning”. And so I fold them into my love and compassion, held both close and from a distance.
Freshly stunned by the beauty 
of the ground below me
Returning home I fell into hours of fitful sleep, depression, sadness; ungrounded, grumpy and unsettled. The noise, the mess, of Mexico struck me blind after being in the comforts of my old home. Searching for quiet, I donned my new noise canceling headphones (thank you, Son!) and sat in meditation with the aromas of melissa, vetiver, and geranium wafting through the air around me. I followed with a few minutes of yoga and gradually fell, once again, into a sense of grace, of acceptance of a life much different than I’d ever expected. Still searching for my own way of being in this transitioning planet, now bonded with the two upcoming generations, I find myself appreciating, longing, loving, accepting; joyful, patient at times, impatient at others. In my old pattern of overwhelm I sometimes feel there is not time for the necessities of life – shopping, cooking, cleaning, mending. But in reality it is all part and parcel of our blessed time on this Earth. It is now my fourth day back. I can still shed tears with little provocation, especially when I think of my son and his family. But what I know is this: that they, along with the friends I visited near my old home, will always be part of my community, no matter where we all are. And I also know that falling into grace can happen wherever that may be.
Thank you, Chris, for sharing your touching experience of straddling two worlds…the old and known and the new and unknown…as my husband, Alex and I, are also doing. You have been in Ajijic 8 months, we have been here nearly 3. I refer to this time period as welcome-to-Mexico bootcamp, a period of adjustment to a new culture and a new language. Maybe it will take 6 months to year or more, but we have been blessed by moving here by choice essentially for a new life in our elder years! However, with change such as this, especially in our senior years, not only comes joy and wonder but grief, and sometimes deep grief that I, too, have been feeling.
Toko-pa in her heartfelt article, Grief is Healing in Motion, says it best: “…while grief may look like an expression of pain that serves no purpose, it is actually the soul’s acknowledgment of what we value. Grief is the honour we pay to that which is dear to us. And it is only through the connection to what we cherish that we can know how to move forward. In this way, grief is motion.” Bienvenido and I hope to meet up with you soon!
Thank you so much for reading & commenting. It helps to share & know others understand. Your quote on grief was very helpful. Let’s meet soon!
Amen! We should arrive to stay in October and I fully expect some challenges. I think a year is not too long to give yourself to adjust even when it does not involve a new country, a new culture and a new language. New friends help!
Agreed! I’ve holed up in the house since I got back. Need new friends to urge me out!
Chris, think of yourself as a pioneer! LOL You are preparing the ground for a new community, in a new place and time. Of course, there are and will be times when it seems a bit much to ask of our retirement, but what better than experience and mellowing and the hope that springs from waking each morning and finding we are still here! The long roots that stretch from old homes to new only strengthen us.
Can’t wait to be an active participant!
Hi, Meg! I am so glad to know you’re out there & can’t wait to include you in our Ajijic community. We’re all here to learn, right?
Well, we’re all on the journey. Learning appears to be optional.😲
How very true! Sometimes it wears me out, but in the end…learning prevails!
Dear Chris, What a beautiful story of being human. Your life is so full. And Grace is a word I use a lot since my husbands illness and death. So grateful for it.
Enjoy settling back in. Hacia adelante!
Love,
Teresa
Thanks so much Teresa. Gives new meaning to the old hymn that I grew up with as a Methodist PK.